Here's the video:
Example One: If you notice, none of my sentences start with the same word, in the same paragraph.
Persuaded Chapter 13:
He did!? I smiled and rolled my eyes. “Oh, please. What do you care anyway?”
My flippant reply seemed to check him. Gregory squinted his eyes and looked away for a moment, before he brought his chocolate gaze back to mine. “You know, I may have to answer that one day. Do me a favor and keep asking, okay?”
Keep asking what? “What?” I grinned; I couldn’t help it. Gregory looked so unbelievably hot with those dark eyes smoldering into mine. Flirting wasn’t my strong point; I never thought I had fully mastered the art. Okay, fully mastered? Who am I kidding? That would imply that I actually practiced doing it first. And since I had never done any such thing, I wasn’t exactly prepared for Gregory’s next words. But I had a strong suspicion the guy was flirting with me.
There are creative ways to start you sentences... other, better ways--you've just got to find them.
Example Two: Watch carefully how I overuse the word arm(arms) in this paragraph. I did awesome on making sure each of my sentences started differently, but forgot to check inside that paragraph.
Persuaded, Chapter 15--
After a few more minutes; my aching muscles had turned to putty in his hands. Gregory ran his fingers down my arms to my elbows and gently turned me back around to face him. When he released his hold on me, I looked up and smiled. He had his arms outstretched, wide and inviting. I didn’t hesitate or think; I just stepped forward, wrapped my arms around his waist and snuggled against his chest. Tenderly his arms folded around me. We stayed like that for a while in the darkened lobby of the hospital. I wondered briefly what it would be like to always be held by Gregory.
FIRST I want you to go through your manuscripts and catch your double trouble. <--this is crucial. I can be giving you all the tips in the world, but if you're not applying them, then I'm wasting my breath! Lol!
SECOND You can do one of two things in the comment section: I'd like you to either fix my paragraph above, trying to only use the word ARMS once. Or, you can show me one of your double trouble paragraphs that you fixed.
Thank you so much for coming on by! Hope this helps! Can't wait to see what you put down.
Yeah first comment! ok so thanks for the lesson jenni, i've noticed that sometimes i do use the same words. But i actually have a question on the lesson. Sometimes I use the same begging of a sentence in my dialouge to make it more dramatic like this;
ReplyDelete"Being a father isn’t just about getting my mom pregnant or giving me half of my genes. Being a name on a birth certificate doesn’t make you a father. A father is someone who cares about their child. A father is someone who looks out for their kid. A father is someone who does everything he can to make sure his baby doesn’t get hurt, not someone who causes their child’s pain. "
Do you think that's ok? Or should I try to change it?
Nope. Don't change it. That is the ONLY time it's acceptable, when it's done on purpose.
ReplyDeleteLike--Why did everything have to wrong today of all days? Why did it always seem to happen on Wednesdays?
It is natural, we do speak this way, so it's okay if it's done on purpose to give effect, or to sound poetic/prose-y... but, if you're doing it just because you're writing that way, then no. Once in a while is okay.
However, that said... looking over your dialogue... I love the first two "being"s... But, the Father one may actually read stronger if written:
A father is someone who cares about their child, who looks out for them, and does everything he can to make sure his baby doesn't get hurt--not someone who causes their child's pain.
Only because it makes it more concise, easier to read (less wordy) but it also allows more focus on the First repeat words (both BEING and FATHER), showing more emotion over all. Understand? However, that is just the editor in me coming out. Either way is fine... :)
Jenni
@Ok thanks Jenni!!!
ReplyDeleteAw, I'm not the first lol but anyway here it is! Hopefully it's okay!
ReplyDelete-----
After a few more minutes; my aching muscles had turned to putty in his hands. Gregory ran his fingers from my shoulders to my elbows and gently turned me back around to face him. When he released his hold on me, I looked up and smiled. He had his arms outstretched, wide and inviting. I didn’t hesitate or think; I just stepped forward and snuggled into his embrace. Tenderly he settled his hands on my waist and pulled me close. We stayed like that for a while in the darkened lobby of the hospital. I wondered briefly what it would be like to always be held by Gregory.
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And just would like to say that I hope you feel better from last week!
An excellent lesson! I must say that the overuse of certain words is a pet peeve of mine...I'm a nazi about it, and will freeze for periods of time until I can think up the perfect substitute word...So for the Homefun Assignment I decided to correct the above paragraph. Here's my best:
ReplyDeleteAfter a few more minutes; my aching muscles had turned to putty in his hands. Gregory ran his fingers down my limbs to my elbows and gently turned me back around to face him. When he released his hold on me, I looked up and smiled. He had his arms outstretched, wide and inviting. I didn’t hesitate or think; I just stepped forward, wrapped myself in his embrace, and snuggled against his chest. Tenderly he folded himself around me. We stayed like that for a while in the darkened lobby of the hospital. I wondered briefly what it would be like to always be held by Gregory.
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ReplyDelete@Jenni Guess what??? I ordered your book! I can't wait until it arrives
ReplyDelete@HArtlei--Wow! You did it better than me! Thank you! :) And yes, I am feeling better, though still sick. Whatever you do, don't get this summer cold thingy, it is the worst. :)
ReplyDelete@Kuualoha--Yes, perfect! Glad to see there is another fellow double word nazi in our midst. Lol!
@Tess--Eeep! You're gonna get it before the stores even do! AWESOME! You'll have to tell me when it gets there! Yay!
You look so young I can't believe you have seven kids!!!
ReplyDeleteI use pronouns too much!!
ReplyDelete"My feet kept on catching on roots and rocks, making me fall indignantly several times. I finally found a good place to camp in a small grove of cedars. I tried to make another fire but unconsciously flinched from the spark. Giving up, I decided it wouldn't do me any good anyway."
I can't find a way to reduce the I's! I already took 3 out but I can't get any more out of it..
@JENNI YOUR BOOK CAME TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI FINISHED READING IT TODAY, I LITERALLY COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;) <3
ReplyDeleteAfter a few more minutes; my aching muscles had turned to putty in his hands. Gregory ran his fingers down my shoulders to my elbows and gently turned me back around to face him. When he released his hold on me, I looked up and smiled. He had his arms outstretched, wide and inviting. I didn’t hesitate or think; I just stepped forward, wrapped my own around his waist and snuggled against his chest. Tenderly he took hold me. We stayed like that for a while in the darkened lobby of the hospital. I wondered briefly what it would be like to always be held by Gregory.
ReplyDelete