Example One--Pride & Popularity, Chapter 12 Party Time!
TELLING:
While I was sharpening my pencil, Taylor came right up behind me. He came too close for comfort and really bugged me, making it so I couldn't think properly.
SHOWING (Okay, so here is the same scene again--this time showing it.):
As I began to sharpen my pencil to make my ploy look good, I was surprised to hear Taylor’s voice behind me.
“Why are you sharpening something that’s already sharp?”
Dang! “One can never be too prepared.” I cranked the wheel of the sharpener. “What are you doing here?” I tossed over my shoulder.
I paused to compose my senses. Taylor was so close I could smell his aftershave. He smells so good. The tingling warmth of his arm as it touched mine nearly undid me. I turned my head slightly to look at his pencil, but I couldn’t focus enough to comprehend what I was seeing. He breathed on my neck, sending a multitude of sparks racing down my back. What is wrong with me?
“Your hair smells good, Chloe,” he whispered near my ear.
“Uh!” Instantly, I became a flurry of motion again as I realized I had nearly gone dizzy over the guy. Taylor dropped his arm and chuckled as he stepped back.
Example two--Persuaded, Chapter 13/14--(Now for a little something a bit more action packed... How about this one?):
TELLING: Kylie stupidly decided to show off without her helmet on. She ended up hitting a rock and flipping her ATV. Gregory was the first person to her side after she fell down. He thought she was dead.
SHOWING:
Everyone moved back as Kylie revved the engine and peeled out. Her tires flew over the hill and soared quickly back again. I wondered briefly if she was going to try for three spins in the air. I wouldn’t doubt it. She sped to the spot but this time passed it to create her own donut in fresh dirt. She jerked her handle bars, but failed to notice the medium-sized rock beneath her tires. In one electrifying moment we all watched Kylie’s ATV jolt to the left just as it was supposed to, but as she stood, the front tires bounced wildly on the rock causing the whole vehicle to become unstable. In a flash the momentum from the speeding ATV repeatedly whipped and rolled—top over bottom—crushing Kylie’s lifeless body beneath its weight.
Chapter Fourteen
The world stopped. Everything froze around me as I beheld the horrific scene in front of my eyes.
And then as if by slow motion the pieces of my shattered brain began to click together and I was able to process what had just happened. This was real. I was not on some movie set in California
Gregory was the first to her side. He was the first to move at all. Had it not been for his anguished cry of, “She’s DEAD!” I don’t think I would’ve fully come out of my trance-like state. As it was, his agony triggered me into motion.
So, can you guys tell the difference? Do you see why it's so important to really get in there and show those scenes? Don't be shy--give us those emotions.
However, be careful not to bog the reader down. There is a healthy balance. Next week we'll talk about pacing. *grins* Don't worry. I've got your back, your story is gonna be awesome! I promise. :)
Jenni James
Author of The Austen Diaries:
Pride & Popularity July 2011
Take a scene from your story where you were telling and show us in the comments section how you fixed it. The scene doesn't have to be big, just show us how you went from narration to story telling. :)
um,yay! first to comment. I love this class! :) enjoyed it and had lots of fun. um, well. let's try posting, shall we?
ReplyDeleteTelling:
Mother, Father and I were talking about changing schools during breakfast.
Showing:
I took another bite of my omelet and a sip of my vanilla tea, trying to buy time.
‘Honey?’ Father asked. Both my parents’ face was filled with worry. I sighed, forcing a smile.
‘Because, Father, Mother, I don’t want to be treated as if I was some special entity. I am a human like them. I don’t want to be treated differently.’ I explained. But the reason why I actually did want to stay was because of all the fun times I had there. If I were to go to a snobby rich school, everyone would be enemies and fighting for the highest status. And I hated it. I hated that feeling. But I could never tell them.
Mother looked a bit relieved but the frown on Father’s face did not leave.
Is this considered good? I guess it might be an improvement since i have never written like this. Tell me what you think Ms James. :)
Telling:
ReplyDeleteWhen I got out of the room, I saw Jack on the balcony, looking at the views I approached him quietly.
"Thanks, thanks for all".
Then he Kissed me for the first time. But not the last one.
Showing:
That day my arm was still hurting. I tried to get out the room without me getting hurt. Total fail.
When I got out I saw the coolest and most beautiful views, I never thought that London could be so pretty.
It was rainy that day. I was trying to search the kittchen, I was starving.
I saw another person, Jack. The same boy that rescued me.
The same boy that I rescued. In the inside I was thinking lots of things.
I was thinking "Thanks, thanks for all. For saving me, for beliving in me and for all you have done for me."
And I was thinking also "Oh my god he is so hot",
I woud done anything to kiss him. And it seemed he had a super mental power because he approached me and kissed me.
In that moment I closed my eyes. I smelled him. Actually he didn't smell of anithing, like water.
My heart was beating SO loud that... I coudn't stop.
Katy.
PD Tnks for doing this soooooo funny, teacher ! =)
@Ash16 YES! Exactly! You have some amazing descriptions too, like when she sipped her tea and her dad's face. Very good! Are you sure you're only 13? *grins*
ReplyDelete@Katy! I at 11 yrs old, I do believe you are our youngest class member! This was excellent! Great way to really flesh out the scene. As you continue to learn from me, you're going to learn even more tricks how to make this scene tighter and even more magical.. just wait. Seriously this is amazing though! I couldn't even tell English wasn't your first language! AWESOME!
Hehehe! I'm glad you guys loved the video. I hope it made you laugh. :)
Jenni
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteTelling:
ReplyDeleteI picked the seat in the far back right corner, only because the other corner seat was taken. I took out my notebook, and started doodling silly things.
Showing:
My heart beat quicken, everyone's eye's are on me! Mortified, I walked to the back of the class room keeping my head down. I am not the type who gets nervous in school, I'm what you call a cool geek, but first day, knew school, knew family, and a knew life. It makes me wish that I never left the foster care.
I nervously got out my note book, trying to take notes and keep focus, but I already knew this. So instead of writing notes, I found myself doodling cars and lyrics to my favorite songs. A nervous habit I've had since I was 8. It's my relaxer, if only I had music with this, then my nerve's would go away.
Hello again! That was a great lesson. Now let me give it a try:
ReplyDeleteTelling:
The first thing I noticed was that Iden was alone. Cassandra was gone and I was free to approach him without compromising everything. He saw me, calling out to me. I went to him.
Showing:
As I silently rounded the corner, I saw Iden standing in the middle of the soccer field. I looked around the area; making sure not a soul was in sight. The forest by the dorms was empty from what I could see and the fields were still. I bit my lip, nerves on overdrive as I sighed happily because Cassandra, the girl who crazily believed that Iden was her boyfriend, was away. Everyone was out for the holidays.
Still, I scanned the grounds again. We couldn’t afford to take any chances. No one was around. I smiled widely as I stared at him for a second. The wind blew Iden's jet black hair out of place and he quickly lifted his hand to brush it out of his eyes, which were a deep, stormy gray.
He saw me then and the smile that lit his face was brighter than the sun and almost stopped my heart in my chest. I inhaled, exhaled deeply, trying to calm my rapid heartbeat when he called out to me.
“Annabelle, my Belle, come. It’s okay.” He whispered, his voice filled with many emotions.
I went to him, not worrying about whom or what was going on. I was free to not worry about compromising everything. And as he engulfed me in his arms, I truly did not care. I was free, I was home, and I was right where I belonged.
@leelee--Wow! Yours was so fascinating. It's amazing what you showed me just by expanding on that little blip. I loved it. Great job.
ReplyDelete@Sophia--sounds like your girl and boy are looking for some trouble. Again, great job at fleshing the scene out! :)
Tell:
ReplyDeleteThat night there was a knock at the front door. I went to answer it, wondering who it was. It turned out that it was Les so I let him in.
Show:
Later that night I was in my room getting my homework done when the doorbell rang. Since my dad was most likely already asleep I got up from my desk and walked downstairs to open the door.
Unable to see who it was I called out, "Who is it?"
I heard Les' deep voice answer, "Me."
I stood frozen. What is he doing here? I bit my lip due to the trying situation I was caught in. I had no idea what to do. I was still upset about today but he has no idea I am mad at him or that I am upset with the fact I have feelings for him when he didn’t have any for me. And there was no way I was ready to share with him why.
"Ruth? Are you going to open the door?" He questioned from behind the door.
I grimaced and reached for the doorknob. I slowly opened it to see Les standing there shaded by the blackness of night. The first thing I noticed was that he was clutching something in his hand, but I couldn’t tell what it was. I stepped aside to let him in and he walked through the doorway and I was now able to see his beautiful, brown eyes looking at me with concern. My heart lurched at the sight of him. Why did he have to be so handsome? I almost groaned in agitation. I really needed to get over him.
:)
Woo! New session for the win! I don't know why, but "Homefun" makes this a whole lot more exciting, hah. But really, when I go through a first time and a second time, it's basically the same exact thing when I plan it. I don't know why. I have a very extensive subconscious which details it all out for me. Also, my book includes gore, which most of my editing comes in, so I don't know if I should share. Let me know, if yes, then I will come back and work on it. Also, you could give me a small amount of details and I'll work off of that.
ReplyDeleteTelling: (ps: this is a dream, so the weirdness does make sense! haha)
ReplyDeleteJack begged me for a second chance. He said he wanted to see me again. He ran into an invisible wall between me and him. I told him that nobody receives a second chance, and he fell through the floor.
Showing: (confession, i wrote the showing before the telling...)
“Wait, Angela! Please…”
He rushed forward, his hand extended towards me. His strong, warm hand that I had held many times before when I needed comfort or companionship. Tears flowed freely as I forced my own palms to remain clasped together.
“Give me a second chance, please!” He pleaded. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t wait, I had to see you again,” He crashed against an invisible barrier, just inches away from where I stood. I didn’t have the power to break that barrier, even though I desperately wanted to shatter it to pieces. My soul cried out for him, my skin craving his gentle touch. I trembled with sorrow. I gazed into his eyes one final time.
“I’m sorry, Jack,” I whispered, knowing he couldn’t hear me, but he understood my lips perfectly.
“No,” His eyes filled with panic. “No!”
The ground beneath his feet crumbled, he looked down in shock as he felt gravity start to pull him downwards. My heart clenched in anguish. He shouted out my name as he disappeared into the blackness, his voice echoing all around me.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, sobs choking my voice. “But nobody gets a second chance.”
Tnks for the comment teacher. Today 3TH of July was my birthday, and my parents printed your comment as a gift. =P
ReplyDeleteU R THE BESTTT TEACHER EVER !!
Hi! I just want to say I really enjoyed your lesson and it's not the first time I've heard it! This is from a story I wrote for my friends birthday.
ReplyDeleteTelling: It was a saturday and I was outside with my friend. My mum and dog were there too. It was a nice sunny day.
Showing: It all started on a Saturday, when I was sitting in my backyard, playing childish games with my best friend and neighbour Anna. My mother, a recently retired horse trainer was sitting on the deck on a cushioned chair, her eyes closed as she listened to us talk. Our German Sheppard Daisy was running around the garden, chasing a butterfly along its random path. The sun was out and a few clouds cluttered the skies, interrupting the solid blue.
Well I hope that was good and I'll definitely be watching the rest of your lessons! :)
@Katlynn--Great job! And really puts us there, allowing for so much more emotion. :)
ReplyDelete@Cudge407--Right. So you're already a master at showing & telling? Lol! Yeah, i was pretty good at it myself, naturally. However, watch your novel endings... that's were I found I was rushing it a bit, once the end was in site I would quickly write it all out and then go back and show in the edits. And good thinking... no gore here, please. :) This is rated G.
@Firecat--even though you totally cheated, can I just say how much better the second one is, anyway? Lol! Amazing! :)
@Katy--Eeep! Seriously? That is so cool! I'm glad you had a wonderful birthday! So does this mean you're 12 now? :D
@havygirl--much better! I love dogs! And this sounds like the perfect day. Glad you enjoyed the lesson... hehehe! :)
Jenni
Telling:
ReplyDeleteThe fire alarm went off. I looked around, and started to panic and I screamed.
Showing:
There I was, just sitting on a couch, sipping some diet coke, when the smell of burning flowed through my nostrils. At first, my first impulse was to scream and run outside in my pyjamas, but common sense finally overcame me, and I eased open the door to the kitchen. What did I see? Some burnt toast, black and smoking.
Telling:
ReplyDeleteI was chewing at my lip as I cleaned out my loony lovely grandmother’s attic, she truly worries me. Well she did before my parents decided to send her off to a nursery home in Florida all the way across the country. How caring are my parents?
Showing: The nerves in my stomach built up as I started to chew at my bottom lip.The emotions I was feeling are just too over whelming. My head felt like it was about to explode as I cleaned up the dusty,old and moldy grandmother's attic. The smell was unbearable, it seemed like it would choke you until you could not take in a breath without wanting to drop dead. Sadly enough my parents had decided to send my loving grandmother off to a nursing home in Florida. Florida! Can you believe that my parents "cared" so much they sent her across the country to a nursing home. Just the thought that if I ever wanted to visit my grandmother I would have to book a hotel and buy a plane ticket infuriated me. It made me sick too think my parents decided to stop taking care of her at her old age and send her off like she was a animal you got sick of and did not want to take care of anymore.
Telling:
ReplyDeleteI sit down and waited for Emma to finish her shift.It seems like forever before her shift's over, but once it is she just walks out, not talking to me like she said.
Showing:
She starts talking before she sees me, “Hello welcome, what would you l-” She sees me.
“What do you want?”
“Can we just talk?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No. I’m working. If you want to talk you’ll have to wait until my shift is over.”
“When is it over?”
“7:30” I checked my phone. It’s only 4 o’clock.
“And then you’ll listen to me?”
“You’ll have 5 minutes.”
“Fine.”
Once I take my seat on one of the green comfy couches, I realize I should’ve brought some water. I’m still thirsty from the workout room, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to go back up the counter. I mean, I’m here to make things right, not to mess them up more. I’ll leave Emma alone until her shift’s over. I look around. My eyes settle on an interesting painting of a cut up violin. Or is it a base? It’s hard to tell. There’s nothing to compare it to. Maybe that was what the artist wanted. Maybe they wanted it to be a sort of mystery. Or maybe they didn’t even know themselves. Dude, who cares? It’s a stupid painting! I hear the Jessie in the back of my head.
Then a girl crosses the path of the painting. She’s either a tall thirteen-year-old, a medium sized fourteen-year-old, or a short fifteen-year-old. She has green eyes, like Emma… I stake my head. She’s wearing a thin blue headband and her sandy blond hairs’ in a ponytail. She has a book under her right arm and a small purse that goes around from her left shoulder to her right hip. She’s wearing a For lack of a better thing to do, I watch as she orders.
“Hello, what can I get you?” Emma asks, not a note of sarcasm to be found.
“Umm… Well, I’ve been craving a chocolate banana smoothie.”
“Ok. Got it. Is that it?”
“Yes.”
“$3.25”
(continued)
ReplyDeleteThe girl takes out a wallet with a white T on the front and pink stitching around the dark fake black leather. She takes out a five-dollar bill and hands it to Emma. Emma hands her back her change without really needing to use the cash register for the math.
The girl sits down at a table for two, though I doubt she’s waiting for anyone. She opens up the book from her under her shoulder and starts reading it.
Ok, new source of entertainment.
A man walks in wearing a business suit and a briefcase. He’s probably a lawyer of some sort, New York is crawling with them.
“Oh, hello Mr. Yeux, the usual?” she says recognizing him.
“You always remember, Emma.” He says and gives her a smile. The man hands her the money, already knowing the price. Emma takes out the correct change, already knowing the amount due.
There’s another girl behind the counter with her, black haired with a pink strike, brown eyed and it looks like she has a nose ring, who’s makes the drinks. Once Mr. _ walks away, she says, “So who’s the dude?”
“No one,” Emma replies, taking a small cup and filling it with some sort of syrup.
“Look all I’m saying is this is the first time a suitor has come to the shop before.”
“He is anything but a suitor.”
“Than why is he here? It sounded like you’re mad at him.”
“I am mad at him.”
“So you like him?”
“What does being mad at him have to do with liking him?”
“AH HA! You avoided the question!”
“It wasn’t a question!”
“You’ve a avoided it again!”
“Jenna!”
“Emma.”
“Look, I don’t like him.”
“What ever you say, Emma.”
“Oh don’t give me that look.”
“What look?”
“The look you have when a customer orders a drink and you put your number on the cup.”
“Ok that only happened once!”
“Three times.”
“Twice.”
“Three times,” Emma insist. I laugh under my breath. “A chocolate banana smoothie!”
The T girl walks up to get her smoothie. “Thank you.”
“Your welcome. I like your shirt by the way,” Emma says.
“Thanks!” The girl smiles and walks back to her book.
“Ok so if you’re so sure than who was the third guy?” Jenna says
“There was the guy who was creepy, the one who was too old, and the one who was just plain weird.” She turns her back to me.
“Not funny, Emma.”
“Actually I thought it was very funny.”
“Seriously.”
“The last guy was the one with the guitar with no strings and said ‘he played it with his mind man,’ ” she says at the end slipping into a deeper slower voice.
“Oh right! Why do you have to be so smart?”
“Because if I wasn’t than the coffee shop would’ve already been shut down.”
“Again, very funny.”
“I know right!” she says extra sarcastically.
“Well my shift’s over, have fun with Prince Charming.” She takes off her apron.
“Just as soon as Mr. Mental guitar calls you back.”
Jenna gives her a smirk and walks out. I turn my head, not wanting her to think I’m staring. The girl is still reading and Mr. Yeux is on his laptop. Great. I whip out my IPhone and play through all the levels on Angry Birds. I year the door close and look up. T girl is still there and so is Mr. Yeux . I quick turn my phone off and sprint out the door.
“Hey where do you think you’re going?”
“Home.”
“You promised me 5 minutes.”
“I didn’t think you would wait that long when I offered it.” She hasn’t stopped walking during the whole conversation.
“But I did and that means you have to listen to me.” Now she stops, and turns to face me. “You have 5 minutes. Go.”
ok srry i was just rereading my comment and there was a cople of things i wanted to clairify:
ReplyDeleteJessie is Tyler (it's in his pov)'s best friend
And when it says Mr. _ it means Mr. Yeux (I was having trouble thinking of a name and just put it in later. I guess i missed some spots.)
You like?
No, I'm eleven !! :P
ReplyDelete@Lollystar... LOL! I loved it. Great way to use showing. :)
ReplyDelete@Nadine... Wow! this made so much more sense once you showed it! Amazing and much more gripping. :)
@Tess... LOL! this is epic. Yes, you definitely showed this story--holy cow girl! Amazing. Now, read in lesson two and see where you can go back into this and speed it up in places... Perhaps just mention the guys that came in, but not go into all that detail... we're all just wanting to know what happens between the main two characters anyway. However, I'm very impressed. Good job. :)
Jenni
I'm probably not going to be very good at this but I'll give it a go.
ReplyDeleteTelling:
Regret and guilt spread throughout my body and I wondered why I did it 'cuz it sure as heck :) wasn't worth it.
Showing:
"How could you! I trusted you and-and then you go out and do this!"
I watched as her face twisted into anger and her eyes flame with fury.
"Emma, I'm sorry, I really am. I just don't know what came over me! One second we were sitting there and the next we were making out!"
"But he's my boyfriend dammit!"
"I-I know an I'm sorry-"
She continued to yell at me and I put my head down in shame as she yelled out tbhr words that made my stomach drop.
"You're no longer my best friend!"
@Hartlei... oh, wow! So much more gripping when you showed it. Well done. Gives us a greater fell for the characters as well. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, here goes nothing:
ReplyDeleteJamie ran away!
My mom told me last night. I'm sort of amazed.
I was astonished Jamie was gone. Crying, of course. My own sister! I had never lost someone before... Ran away, was the girl who always got 'A+, loved it''s and who cried when Mom vacuumed the dust bunnies away.
I know this lesson is old, but I just found these and am in LOVE with them! I'm only fifteen and hope to become a writer one day:)But for now, I'm a wattpadder:)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for doing these! And here is my homefun assignment!
Showing:
After being yelled at repeatedly by his family, Nick finally gave in and moved to meet Kaitlin under the mistletoe. She was in a daze after he kissed her, and only stood there with her mouth agape.
**Man, that was terrible. Time to TELL it:)
Telling:
“You have to kiss her, doody-head,” Angelina shouted, giving Nick a little push towards the completely flush-faced Kaitlin, who had stepped out from under the hanging ornament.
Everyone seemed to yelling things now to coax him into kissing her. 'This is going to be . . . awkward,' he thought to himself.
Kaitlin gulped as his eyes locked on hers. Kissing was never something they bothered to discuss during their lessons on how to fake this whole romance thing, and she wasn’t sure how this would turn out. In the most subtle way possible, she nodded a little in approval and backed up back under the mistletoe.
Slowing and reluctantly walking over to her, Nick kept his eyes on hers, and Kaitlin felt as if her heart were stuck in her throat. She could hear everyone cheering, knowing what was happening next. But she couldn’t even speak.
Yes, she’d kissed boys before, but with Nick, it was different. Her face was on fire and she cursed the fact that she was so pale in winter, for the fact that her blush was so evident.
Once in front of her, he slowly intertwined his fingers with hers, once again using his eyes to ask for approval. She nodded again and squeezed his hand, feeling as if her heart would pop right out of her chest, or throat rather.
They’d be pretty darn good actors, seeing that they were so good at faking being this intimate as if they had done it so many times before. No one would ever suspect the absolute hatred they actually held for each other less than two weeks ago.
Slowly, he leaned down, and she closed her eyes, leaning up slightly in anticipation. It almost felt like an eternity before their lips finally even grazed.
It felt like lightning.
Like a cliché electric shock shot through her body, starting at her lips and traveling down to her toes. And that was just from a simply graze.
The minute that he pushed his lips more forceful against hers, she was gone. Her head was in a fog, and the heat of her face never waned. She could almost feel tiny beads of sweat forming on her forehead, but she could easily blame the intense warmth of the fireplace and her turtleneck cable knit sweater.
But no, it was all him.
When the finally pulled away, it almost felt like a void. The kiss was way too short for her liking, and the fact that she had a liking scared her.
Her mouth was left hanging open. She could tell from the air the slipped into it, leaving her throat scratchy and dry.
Blinking a couple times, she searched his face for his reaction to what just happened. His blue eyes only revealed one emotion . . .
Confusion.
And that was exactly how she felt right now.
*** I personally like the telling one much more:D Hahaha thanks again for posting these lessons! I'm going on to lesson two now:)
goodness..this sounds so good...you really are talented..are you still on wattpad? I'd love to follow :)
DeleteI accidently mixed up showing and telling above ^^; Please excuse my mix up xD
ReplyDelete@Neeka... Yay! You told me a lot more about your sister--like how personality wise it would seem she'd never do such a thing. Interesting. Makes me wonder why she did it, and if she really did run away or if she was kidnapped.
ReplyDeleteSoccerstar... Lol! Could've been because I was getting them confused on the video too! Lol! And erm, yes... the Showing is MUCH more descriptive. *grins* Good job.
Jenni
Hey! I realize that I'm jumping in a bit late, but I hope it's no problem...Here's my shot, though the "showing" is actually my original. :?
ReplyDeleteTelling:
The stranger caught her attention and kept her notice long enough for her to glance over his handsome features. But that did not keep Alan distracted long enough to suppress her growing worry. Getting uncomfortable, she decided to speak to her own advantage.
Showing:
Though slightly mesmerized and intrigued by the unique shade of the stranger’s eye color, she quickly finished her once over before turning back around and shifting nervously on her horse. Although the men themselves did not truly scare her, Alan was concerned that she had not had enough time to practice her boy voice or her peasant lingo. She could slip up with ease and then her mission would be over and done with before she was even close to its beginning. She would either be attacked by the surrounding individuals, sent to Lord Lachlann, or forced to return home – the latter option she considered to be much more dreadful than the rest. However, she realized that the man could not wait for an answer and she opened her mouth to reply. Unfortunately, the other man answered first.
Lol! Kuualoha! You're welcome to jump in anytime. :) I'm glad you're ahead of this lesson. Your story sounds great! :)
ReplyDeleteJenni
Telling: Abby doesn't like her partner.
ReplyDeleteShowing: "You can go spend the night at Carly's house. I will call up-" I interrupted her. "DOn't say his name," i said through clenched teeth. "Ok i won't," She responded her gaze calm, like water rippling across the water.
Telling:
ReplyDeleteDoctor Mac’ Donald told Grace that she was pregnant, then fainted and fell to the ground.
Showing :
“Gracie, you’re not sick, you’re pregnant,” he said with a large grin on his face, “Congratulations, my dear.”
She felt numb. The news of her pregnancy came as such a shock, Grace had only loved one man before but she had driven him away. How could she raise a child on her own when she could barely take care of herself? She felt dizzy, the room spinning before her very eyes and dark spots danced at the edges of her vision. She knew one moment of extreme nauseous-ness before everything faded to black and she fell to the floor in a crumpled heap.
YOU'RE AN AWESOME TEACHER, JENNI! You totally got the point across and made me laugh too! :D
ReplyDeleteTelling: I was walking along the street and saw a celebrity. I just happened to have my camera slung around my neck and snapped a picture just as the famous model turned.
Showing (This might get long. I always get carried away ^^): My fingers clutched around my precious camera and I could feel the grin I was keeping in beam all over my face. I glanced around the street I was briskly walking through, searching for an opportunity to use my birthday gift. Peering into a cafe, I saw a flash of caramel-colored hair before it was covered by a black fedora. I looked back in and saw a familiar woman having coffee wearing a trench coat and sunglasses in the middle of winter. HER?! She was supposed to be in the Philippines! I gasped and I was sure she heard me because her fedora-ed head turned. I scrambled to pick up my camera. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!", I muttered frantically.
Click.
The ex-supermodel's pretty face turned from suspicion to angry bewilderment and I ran away, not to home but to Marissa's office. WAit 'til "People" gets a load of THIS!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI kinda already do the show like second nature, so the tell will be tricky for me.
ReplyDeleteTell:
I sat down, and closed my eyes. I couldn't hear what people were saying and it was bugging me. It was all gibberish, and I was dizzy. I almost fell of my chair, and I didn't know what to do.
Show:
I sat down, breathing fast, and uncontrollably closing my eyes from the brightness in the room. I couldn't make out what people were saying, but they are talking to me, right? It's so weird, it feels like there speaking another language, but it's still English.
What's going on? I started spinning in my seat, like someone was grabbing my shoulders pushing me. Then I was pushed, I clutched onto the chair immediately, almost sending my off my chair. It's like I can hear my heart beat in my ear, I feel it about to jump out of my throat.I don't know what I should do, what can I do?
(By the way, This isn't from one of my stories)
Hehehe, I feel kinda weird posting this half a year later.... Anyways...
ReplyDeleteTelling:
I walked down the side of the road, listening to music and ignoring life in general. Suddenly, a car appeared and hit me. The last thing I remembered thinking about before I passed out was "Goodbye Charlie"
Showing:
Singing quietly along to my iPod, I slouched into my hoodie, trying to isolate myself even further from the world. Mom and Dad were fighting again and I just couldn't stand listening to them shouting, or more accurately, my father shouting and beating my mother up. The sun's heat beat down on me, making me sweat inside my hoodie. A few people stared at me as I walked past them, probably thinking, "Who is the idiot wearing a hoodie in summer?" The sunlight shown into my eyes and I squinted, trying to see where I was going. I stepped from the sidewalk onto the road and tried shielding my eyes from the blinding light with my hands. It didn't work though and though my iPod was cranked up to maximum volume, I still heard someone shout "Watch out!" before I felt something hard hit my left side. I flew in the air, sailing gracefully for a while until I crumpled unceremoniously on the ground. Pain started to spread from my arm and chest to my entire body like wildfire; burning away at my nerves and destroying everything that stood in its way. My mind was in a jumble, the shock paralyzing me, not allowing me to move. I felt something trickle down my forehead and became cross-eyed trying to focus on it. It was a drop of blood. I started to panic and hyperventilate, trying to fight the sleepiness that was taking over me. My last thought before I passed out was, "Charlie"
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I hope that was ok... I wrote that randomly because I didn't know what else to write... ^__^ Thanks for posting these lessons online!
Thanks love the blog. It is beautiful I am a 12 year old writer working on my first story wish me luck
ReplyDeleteTelling:
ReplyDeleteI try to tell the waiter that all I want is a burger, but the knife pressed into my thigh makes it hard for me to focus. I can barely speak.
Showing:
The waiter stared down at me with his eyebrows arched in a silent demand, 'Can you hurry up and order?'. His foot tapped impatiently on the carpeted floor below, making a thump noise that unfocused me more than the blade that pressed tighter every passing minute into the tender flesh of my thigh.
"C-C-Can I-I-Have B-Burger W-W-With" Donovan pushed harder on my thigh, this time I could feel the light fabric of my skirt tear under the force. It wouldn't be long and the blood would begin to flow, soiling the white fabric.
My palms were sweating, the clammy feeling seeped through my pours. I could the feel the persperation dripping down my back in a panic, much like me. I wanted to scream for help, call out that Donovan held a knife to me and was going to kill me as soon as I finished my supper. But I couldn't. I was paralyzed by the fear that gripped my tongue tightly.
"S-Swiss?" I muttered, my voice watery with the tears that hadn't leaked passed the dam I had thrown up to keep them at bay. They had settled in my throat, making my voice sound like it might if I was speaking under water.
The waiter nodded as a sigh of exasperation slipped from his lips. He scribbled down my order onto his black covered notepad before turning on his heel and storming off into the kitchen.
Jamming my eyes shut I forced back the whimper that tried to slip from my throat by nibbling on my lip. The pain that seared through my mouth distracted me from the constant pressure of the blade pressed harshly on my skin. Blood trickled down my throat, oddly calming my senses.
Alright, here's a little bit of the next story in the series I'm working on. Enjoy XD
ReplyDeleteTell:
I looked over at the man sitting there. He wasn't talking at all. He was so big, I wondered if he was the man Eza and Finn had called Mitrius.
"That's Mitrius," somebody behind me said. It scared me and made me jump. "Don't worry; he's been like that since he escaped the second time. Those Giskens broke him."
Show:
I looked around the tiny room that the rebels had said was their mess hall. It was brightly lit for an underground room and all the rebels were talking and laughing loudly as they drank their ale. Even Finn, who we were all sure was going to get himself killed because he was a Gisken, was chatting with a few rebels. In one corner of the room, some rebels were playing a variety of instruments, their sounds light and merry. Yes, everybody seemed like they were having a great time, except for one man.
He was sitting at a table in the far corner, alone. He had broad shoulders and huge feet. He was hunched over a mug of ale, which looked tiny in his massive hands. He didn't look sad, or angry, or... anything. His face, which was covered in massive scars, was completely emotionless as he simply stared at nothing.
I think I remember Finn mention a man named Mitrius, but everybody called him Longshanks because he was so tall and big, I thought to myself. And didn't Eza say that he was still fighting with the resistance? I wonder...
"I see you found Mitrius." I nearly jumped out of my skin. I turned around to see one of the rebels, who was barely taller than I was. It looked to be the same rebel Eza had pointed out early. She had said his name was Manov.
"And don't you worry your pretty little self about him," he continued. "He's been like that since he escaped the second time." He sighed and closed his eyes. His hands were in tight fists.
"I don't know what happened in there or what those Giskens did to him," Manov growled. I could hear the anger in his voice. "But he hasn't said a word since he got back."
I'm extremely late for class, I'm sorry teacher!
ReplyDeleteTell:
Heather and Leslie were looking at paintings in a museum. Leslie left Heather behind because Heather was too interested in the paintings.
Show:
"Look, it's one of the paintings of Van Gogh! The one I saw on the Rubik's cube awhile ago!" Heather was making comments on every single painting in the museum, while he sister, Leslie, simply glanced at them.
Heather leaned in closer to the painting to see the name. "Vincent Van Gogh's 'Starry Night'. Starry Night, Starry Night..." She wrote the name down in her notebook with enthusiasm.
"We don't have all day, Heather, let's go!" Leslie tapped her foot, getting even more impatient by the minute.
Heather faced her sister, obviously not enjoying being pressured. "Oh, we have all day, Leslie," she reminded her, moving to the next painting. "Oh my God!" She jumped back, with Leslie laughing at her reaction. "What the hell!" She seemed to portray the expression of the person in the artwork, and very well, too. It was 'The Scream' by Edvard Munch. Again, she wrote the name down in her notebook.
Leslie didn't want to be in the museum any longer, and after the fifth painting, she decided to take her leave. She longed for the company of her friends, who were probably at the movie house, watching some horror movie and screaming their hearts out.
"Hey, Heather, I'll take my leave now," she told her little sister. Heather seemed to be too preoccupied with "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" by Seurat. Her sister could just take a cab home, she thought. All the people in the paintings seemed to watch her every move as she walked to the exit, leaving Heather behind.
[Haha, my first try at this]
Alright, so, I'm only 11, so this might not be as good. I'll give it a shot though :)
ReplyDeleteTelling: Lacey watched as the girl entered the store, grabbed a box of bandages, and slipped behind the lotion aisle.
Time to get to work...
Showing: A large black sedan pulled up in front of the shop. Slowly, the door opened and a tall, strawberry-blonde girl stepped out.
Lacey watched from behind the medicine aisle as she entered the store, checked her phone nervously as if waiting for instructions, then grabbed a box of band-aids and started to slip quickly out of sight.
Her eyes ran up and down the girl's leg, heart rate twice as fast.
Was it her?
Suddenly, her eyes focused on the the cherry-blossom tattoo penned into the girl's ankle. A small smirk crept onto her lips.
It was.
Time to get to work...
Hi Miss. Jenny! I just watched your video. It was really interesting and funny! Just wanted to say that I usually do 'show' when I'm writing but I wanted you to have a look! Here goes nothing....
ReplyDeleteTELLING:
I entered the room with Ange. The noblewomen let Ange through but not me. I pushed my way to the window and saw the royal carriage with the two princes.
SHOWING:
Entering her room I was greeted with the swirls of fabrics, so bright they hurt my eyes, and the multitude of high voices that always seem to surround the noblewomen. Allowing myself a quiet sigh I followed Ange. Out of deference to the princess, and to the fact that it was her bethroned, they afforded her the best seating, but they held no such qualms for me. Once they let her through they closed ranks almost immediately, acting like a well-oiled machine. They would make good soldiers, I thought, as I watched the ease in which they did this. Too bad most of them care only of the many jewels and clothes they have and demand to have. Gently pushing my way through, I finally reached Ange to see what all this commotion was about. Even from this distance I could make out the royal party of Prince Mendal, the scholar, and his younger brother Prince Alain, the handsome one, as they were called. Grimly I reflected on the Intel I had collected about these two brothers.
I hope this is okay! I had much more trouble 'telling' the story rather than 'showing' it.
Goodness, this is something I'm writing. It's a bit dark for most. But hope you enjoy!
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I ran down the street, the sirens blaring behind me. It felt as if they were gaining on me, quickly looking back I could see that they were miles away.
Showing:
I could hear the sirens behind me as I run down the dampening street, the bright lights blurring my vision. God why did I have to do it? It always started off normal, just a small thought of innocence. Then it transformed into a beast, a killing machine full of new ideas. I never really realized how much pain I put one person through, at least when I first started.
The sirens blared, they were gaining on me and I was running out of steam. I could still smell the thick, pungent, sickening smell of blood. I take a quick look at my hands, it was becoming crusted with the stuff. I was so stupid, most of the time I got away with it.
How did I get caught this time? Everything was going so smoothly, I had a bucket to catch the blood. A few tiny drops escaped, I didn't fret about them, easy clean up. There was no screaming, nor fighting, he was silent the entire time. Maybe a neighbor peeked in, spotted us? No, no of course not.
Perhaps my laugh was too loud, or was I screaming? I usually don't scream, namely because I am not the one being sliced and diced. Christ, why don't the just catch up already, the sirens are getting to much to bare. Stupid cops.
I dare to take a glance behind me, they seem miles away and yet they sound so close. Odd, I slow down to a jog, a sweat had built up on my brow. I close my eyes and try to focus on what happened. I don't usually forget who I kill, or how I killed them. It remains permanent inside my brain.
I see, I have a bit more trouble with 'showing,' considering I stay inside the character's head the most of the time.
I'm going to try it. I'm not the best, but I would love some feedback. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteTelling:
Chloe sat at the bar watching Jake onstage. Someone sat beside her, drawing her attention from the guitarist.
Showing:
Chloe walked to the bar, taking an empty stool. Her long brown hair fell into her silvery eyes as she glance down at the frilly drink in her hand. Letting out a short sigh she took a small sip before returning her leveled gaze to the stage.
Jake. She hadn't seen him for two weeks and now he stood in front of her. His emerald eyes were searching the room again only to land on her heart-shaped face. A smile appeared on his handsome face as he continued to play.
Suddenly, Chloe felt a warm breath on the back of her neck, the smell of alcohol and wood filling her nostrils. Slowly turning around, she came face to face with a rugged yet gorgeous man. His light brown hair fell into his sparkling grey eyes and his full pink lips were pulled into a smirk.
"Hallo," his voice was soft and deep, a sound she was sure she could listen to the rest of the night. Hell, she was currently drowning in his eyes. Pulling a charming smile onto her face she downed the end of her drink.
"Hello,"she replied, drawing on her inner self. "How 'bout you buy me a drink?"
I hope this is well okay, I guess.
ReplyDeleteTelling:
Amanda banged on the door, making me and Aaron get scared. We didn't know it was her, and we where also watching a horror movie. Looking at him, and him at me we went to the door, opened it and Amanda came in with tears on her face, yelling something no one could understand. We asked what happened, but she was even saying words. After a while she told us her mother kicked her out for not breaking up with Jack. That made Aaron get angry. He's been in love with Amanda for years. I looked at him with pity.
Showing:
"What was that?" I whispered looking in every direction, and so did Aaron. Pausing the movie I looked at the brown haired geek huddled next to me. His curly hair tangled like my blond hair. Eye blue eyes looked widely at me with fear. I most probably looked the same.
"It can't be, him, can it?" Aaron asked but I shook my head, frightened. Remember, just a movie Anna, it's just a movie. I repeated in my head.
"Freddy Krueger is not real, Aaron. You an I both know that." I said, but it seemed like a question. I can hear the furious knocks on the door louder then ever.
"It's me you lunatics!" yelled a familiar voice, that made me sigh with relief, then make my eyes go wide.
It's Amanda, and she's mad.
"This is ten times worse then Freddy Krueger." I whispered, and Aaron nodded, agreeing. If you knew Amanda, when she's angry, you would most likely be yelled at. Actually, you will be yelled at. Everyone gets yelled at by the mad Amanda.
I got up with caution in every step, as I neared the door. Unlocking the door, I opened it, getting suffocated by Amanda's hugs as she cried out blubber of words that not even the extraterrestrials would be able to comprehend.
"Mom's - Jack - evil - kicked out - nowhere to go." She cried out, sobbing. I could feel her salty tears on my hair, making it sick to my neck.
"Slow down Amanda, what are you talking about." I asked, making her get off me and wipe her tears and snot with her sleeve, which is a very bad idea since it's white.
Looking at Amanda, I saw that her curly hair was all over the place. That she still wore her uniform, and that her red nails where chipping. I also saw her gorgeous green eyes and the puffy red that surrounded her eyes. Her mascara ran, her face was pale as snow that has not been peed on.
And yet, she still looked beautiful.
Sniffing, she looked at me and broke into another set of tears. "My evil mother who is selfish and conceded, kicked me out because I haven't broken up with him. Now I have no where to go." She finished.
"Your always welcomed here." I said as Aaron sneered jealously, "why don't you go to Jack's place?"
I looked at the geek who hardened his face, and clenched his hands into fists. Ohh... I almost forgot he was practically in love with the crying ginger.
"And why can't you just break up with him anyways. I mean he is twice your age for gods sake." Aaron said exaggerating.
"He's only twenty six Aaron." Amanda said, glaring. She hated when he brings this up. "And you know he has his band mates living with him."
"He's probably just using you." Sneered Aaron, making Amanda yell in frustration, annoyance and hatred.
"You know nothing." Yelled Amanda. " Now Anna, talk some sense into your step brother, before I use the fire extinguishers her the kitchen, to knock your brother out, senseless."
I looked at him with a sad, sympathetic smile. He stormed out of the room with burning passion of hatred and love for the oblivious ginger.
"What's his problem. " Amanda said sitting down on the living room couch, eating some left over popcorn that hasn't fell on the ground when me and Aaron where jumping with fear.
Oh well, back to the movie.
telling:
ReplyDeleteA few seconds later, I found myself running away from her, crying.
showing:
I froze. Rachel looked like she was about to break down any minute, but I wasn't any better. I couldn't speak. I was too shocked to process anything that just happened.
"I'm so sorry," she whimpered, trying to reach my arm but I pulled it away sharply.
Shaking my head, I looked at her sympathetically.
How could she? I thought she loved me.
And then I bolted away from the scene as if running away would solve everything. The way was really blurry, just like in movies where the car drives so fast the background was blurred. But it wasn't speed. They were tear drops dripping one by one.
Reaching a rundown alley, I met my fist with the wall with a loud 'thump'. Blood trickled down and I could feel my knuckles broken. But I smiled. The punch was definitely less painful than this drama.
I fell to my knees and sobbed. I sobbed all my frustration away.
Let's do this homefun
ReplyDeleteTell:
I started to draw. Monica looked over my shoulder to see what I was doing.
"Wow! That's amazing! " she exclaimed.
I covered my work.
Show:
I lifted my pencil and placed it upon the rough sheet of paper. I closed my eyes and imagined the perfect scene. Letting my pencil glide over the paper, my emotions flew onto the paper. My fingers moved furiously across the paper. Every curve, every line was just..... perfect.
Monica leaned over my shoulder. I froze.Her calculating eyes scanned the page, analyzing the work of art.
"Wow! That's amazing! " she exclaimed.
Her comment was a wake up call. I unfroze, my senses coming alive. I scrambled out of my seat, almost tripping over my own feet, and covered my drawing with my bare hands.
If you see anything wrong please reply. I want to improve my writing skills. Thanks :)
I would love feedback! Telling: I throw myself on the bed and cry. When I had wished for a fairytale, this wasn’t exactly what I had meant.
ReplyDeleteShowing: I walk slowly into the gloomy room and slip my pinching slippers off my aching feet before throwing myself onto the lumpy bed in despair to have a good cry. When I wished for a fairy tale, this is not what I meant! Fairy tales are all about the princess that gets the perfect guy and lives happily ever after. That's all I wanted. A guy that is nothing like Chase. A guy that would be loyal. A guy that wouldn't cheat on me just because I am gone for a week. Most importantly, a guy that would love me for who I am. That's definitely not going to happen here. I just want to go home. I don't think that's going to happen either.