Example One--Pride & Popularity, Chapter 12 Party Time!
While I was sharpening my pencil, Taylor came right up behind me. He came too close for comfort and really bugged me, making it so I couldn't think properly.
SHOWING (Okay, so here is the same scene again--this time showing it.):
As I began to sharpen my pencil to make my ploy look good, I was surprised to hear Taylor’s voice behind me.
“Why are you sharpening something that’s already sharp?”
Dang! “One can never be too prepared.” I cranked the wheel of the sharpener. “What are you doing here?” I tossed over my shoulder.
“Oh, just sharpening my pencil. Same as you.” He stepped forward and stood right behind me. His arm reached around mine to show his pencil.
I paused to compose my senses. Taylor was so close I could smell his aftershave. He smells so good. The tingling warmth of his arm as it touched mine nearly undid me. I turned my head slightly to look at his pencil, but I couldn’t focus enough to comprehend what I was seeing. He breathed on my neck, sending a multitude of sparks racing down my back. What is wrong with me?
“Your hair smells good, Chloe,” he whispered near my ear.
“Uh!” Instantly, I became a flurry of motion again as I realized I had nearly gone dizzy over the guy. Taylor dropped his arm and chuckled as he stepped back.
Example two--Persuaded, Chapter 13/14--(Now for a little something a bit more action packed... How about this one?):
TELLING: Kylie stupidly decided to show off without her helmet on. She ended up hitting a rock and flipping her ATV. Gregory was the first person to her side after she fell down. He thought she was dead.
Everyone moved back as Kylie revved the engine and peeled out. Her tires flew over the hill and soared quickly back again. I wondered briefly if she was going to try for three spins in the air. I wouldn’t doubt it. She sped to the spot but this time passed it to create her own donut in fresh dirt. She jerked her handle bars, but failed to notice the medium-sized rock beneath her tires. In one electrifying moment we all watched Kylie’s ATV jolt to the left just as it was supposed to, but as she stood, the front tires bounced wildly on the rock causing the whole vehicle to become unstable. In a flash the momentum from the speeding ATV repeatedly whipped and rolled—top over bottom—crushing Kylie’s lifeless body beneath its weight.
The world stopped. Everything froze around me as I beheld the horrific scene in front of my eyes.
And then as if by slow motion the pieces of my shattered brain began to click together and I was able to process what had just happened. This was real. I was not on some movie set in
. Kylie had just been seriously injured—or killed—when her ATV rolled over flinging her with it. It had ruthlessly cracked her head into the ground and instantly she was thrown from the machine, only to have it flip back onto her before the ATV plummeted to a stop about three feet away. California
Gregory was the first to her side. He was the first to move at all. Had it not been for his anguished cry of, “She’s DEAD!” I don’t think I would’ve fully come out of my trance-like state. As it was, his agony triggered me into motion.
So, can you guys tell the difference? Do you see why it's so important to really get in there and show those scenes? Don't be shy--give us those emotions.
However, be careful not to bog the reader down. There is a healthy balance. Next week we'll talk about pacing. *grins* Don't worry. I've got your back, your story is gonna be awesome! I promise. :)
Author of The Austen Diaries:
Pride & Popularity July 2011
Take a scene from your story where you were telling and show us in the comments section how you fixed it. The scene doesn't have to be big, just show us how you went from narration to story telling. :)